Therapy

SO! I've been going to therapy now for the past couple of months. A few years, or four, back, I started treatment for panic disorder, but not for anything else. So, when the medication I was on stopped working, at the highest dosage, I was recommended to see a therapist. So now I go to her every other week. On top of psychotherapy, I'm on medications for anxiety and depression, which are Abilify and Cymbalta (which I'm also taking to see if it helps out with my fibromyalgia in conjunction with the Neurontin I'm on for it, which is an anticonvulsant with mood-stabilizing properties). So far, the only thing that I've noticed with being on these medications are the lessening of my anxiety and lack of panic attacks. It's great not being anxious 24/7, don't get me wrong, but I'm still having "effects", for lack of a better word, that are very worrying to me.

As a background, my nephew and sister have both been diagnosed as bipolar. I share an extremely similar personality with my nephew, who also has asperger's on top of his bipolar disorder, which leads me to believe that I also have, at least, bipolar disorder. I haven't been technically diagnosed, but I feel that my therapist, and mental health nurse, may be leaning towards the same diagnosis.

So! The "effects" that I'm having, despite the medications, are chronic insomnia, and increased mental hyperactivity and racing thoughts, and the feeling to just do do do and go go go (which I can't do, because of a bad back and the fibromyalgia, so this is very frustrating being this way mentally in the physical state that I'm in). At this point, I also have this weird haze in my head. Not delusions, but this weird feeling of not belonging in this time and place, like I belong somewhere else. I only get this feeling when my mind is in a hyperactive state, not when I'm "normal" (or, basically in between extremes, which is rare) or depressed (which is happening more often due to my physical problems). I've been taking for the past couple of nights amitriptyline for the insomnia, but it's not really working. It gets me to sleep, which is fine, but I'm still not getting an appropriate amount of sleep. For the past week to two weeks, most nights I've only been sleeping 4-6 hours a night (6 hours on a good night). I'll fall asleep dead tired (because that'll be the only way I can fall asleep) only to wake up 4, 5 hours later, wide awake, and unable to go to sleep. I've also been obsessing over, or fixated with, certain subjects, which would probably be disturbing to the average person, but in which I find extremely fascinating. One of the subjects is the transorbital lobotomy. My interest in the subject was sparked when I watched a PBS special online called The Lobotomist. I found it very intersting, especially since there weren't any medications back then to treat the mentally ill, so something had to be drastically done. I've been suggesting to people to watch this documentary, because it really IS fascinating, yet no one will because they find the subject disgusting. Or maybe people in general just want to stick their heads in the sand, not learn anything, and ignore history. But at any rate. I've had fixations on certain subjects, and it's alarming to me to notice these things. I don't think I really noticed them all that much before I started going to therapy. I mean, I noticed the anxiety, and the panic attacks, but I never noticed my extreme mood changes from month to month. Since I've began therapy, I've noticed these things a lot more, like...what correlates with my insomnia, the racing thoughts, the hyperactivity of my brain, they all work together. And when I'm depressed (although, it's better described as "meloncholia" with me, I don't really think of myself as depressed much), I have a tendency to sleep a lot, and lay in bed and just watch TV. I have no drive to do anything, no drive to create art or write or even go on the computer. These two extremes in moods, and considering that each one can last for weeks on end, leads me to believe that I truly am bipolar, no matter what any doctor may tell me.

I do believe, in the end, that sometime within the next few months that I will be diagnosed as so. It's just something that I feel in the pit of my stomach. Now, do I really want to be bipolar? No. But do I want to know what's with my mind so that I can get the proper treatment that I need? YES! So, I will continue to go to therapy, and I will continue to write in my therapy journal (a notebook that I write in for therapy to track my moods and thoughts, and also interactions and issues with other people around me) so that my therapist can see that I really do have these two extreme sides to my personality. I highly doubt that I will end up depressed for weeks on end, due to the Cymbalta (at least it's working in that respect), but I'm still having bouts of crying (even over the stupidest thing), and then maybe feeling completely fine and ready to take over the world an hour later. Perhaps something will finally come out of this.

Now, why am I sharing this progress with the world? First of all, I needed a creative outlet of some sort in regards to what I learn about myself and the profession of psychitatry. I am also writing this so that if there's someone out there, even just one, who can find strength to get the help they need for any type mental issue, that maybe they can take something from my story and perhaps find the help that they may need.

And lastly, my history. I went through A LOT of "counselors" and "therapists" before I finally found one that I like and believe may actually HELP me and not work against me. And, mind you, I had gone nearly 10 years without seeing anyone for my mental issues, because I had such a bad experience with the last person I went to. But, I finally got the courage to call someone on my own and for myself, and I believe that slowly, but surely, this is helping me out for the better.